Gilded Newport Mysteries: Murder at the Breakers 2024 / A painfully bland murder mystery where everyone is asleep at the wheel

Hallmark movies aren’t automatically bad if they’re cheesy and on the cheaper side; there are ways to make these characteristics work, of course. But these qualities definitely don’t help if the story they’re telling is uninteresting and if the actors in front of the camera couldn’t be compelled to deliver convincing emotions if their lives depended on it. Watching Gilded Newport Mysteries: Murder at the Breakers kind of feels like watching people rehearse a family-produced parody of an Agatha Christie novel, or like visiting Westworld and seeing the robots play-act a fictional scenario. Every line over-explains everything that happens on screen, and the mystery elements just aren’t coherent enough for them to lead to a satisfying conclusion or interesting statement about the characters and their world.